I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
