I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
