Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
