Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
so let's talk penis.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
