I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
