Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
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Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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