Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
