sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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