Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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