You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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