Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
The struggles of a small town man whore
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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