Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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