Im at strip club and am horny
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Randomize
