My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize