everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
