It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
