When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
