If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
