Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Randomize
