it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
