"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
false alarm, still single
Randomize
