Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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