I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
