Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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