In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Randomize