I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
why is half of my head shaved?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
