had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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