a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
