i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Shame - the story of my life.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
