Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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