I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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