sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
