Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
