Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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