someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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