someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
