Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
