im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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