I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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