I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
