there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
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