dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
