I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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