When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
