How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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