I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
