were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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