Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Porn is love you can see.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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