I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Just high enough for therapy.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize