On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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