So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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