So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Soap is not a condiment
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Randomize
