Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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