Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
