I just made out with a guy for $7.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
