Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
