I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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