my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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