Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
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