thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
