I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
